When Prayers For A Friend Work... But Hurt

Well it's been two years this past Christmas since my friend, Mark Holt, died of cancer. I kind of blame Mark for this journey that I've been on with God. Let's face it, it's because of Mark that I began a journey for answers. It's because of Mark that I'm beginning to find answers.

A little background is necessary for you to understand where I'm coming from. Mark was one of the best friends that you could have. He was a man that lit up a room when he came in and it seemed that everyone was a friend of Marks. He was just one of those special guys that comes along once in a lifetime and I thank God that we had 5 years together before cancer took his life. There are so many memories that I have of Mark  but, one that really sticks out in my mind was just over a year before he died. Mark and I were playing catch with a baseball in the back yard and talking about playing baseball together after God healed his body. I'm sure this would have been a horrible idea  but, we we're going to do it none the less. When I think about Mark, that's the moment that I always go back to... I can still replay virtually every moment of that conversation in my mind. I can still remember Mark saying.."When God takes away this freak'n cancer.... we're playing baseball."  I tell you this so that you understand where I'm coming from. This was our mantra for the next year and a half. I would visit Mark in the hospital every week and we would pray. We prayed that God would heal his body of cancer. And why wouldn't God do this? After all this was a man that had so much charisma, he had all the potential in the world. Mark could have done so much for the kingdom of God (and he has!). But God didn't "heal" his body..... he just decided to take him home. And that crushed my spirit to the core. Every fiber of my being was angry at God. Why? Because both Mark and I thought that God was going to heal his body... after all, we were going to play baseball together.

Ever since I got the call that Mark had died, I've struggled with the fact that prayer doesn't work. At least I didn't think it did. I struggled with two issues:

• That somehow I didn't pray enough and that's why he died (I blamed myself for a very long time, and this was a spiritual dagger)... after all "where two or more are gathered"...right? 
• It didn't matter what I prayed because God was going to do what He wanted anyway. So why pray for his healing when I should pray "Your will be done." (Why pray for specifics when God will have his own way regardless)

Can I tell you this.... both of these assumption are wrong. First of all... God did heal his body. He took him to a place where there is no pain, no suffering, and he IS playing  baseball, just not here. You   know, when we pray we often times envision what the "answer" looks like. It seems that I'm never right about what the answer is but God does and it's always the right answer. God was telling me that Marks work was done and that mine was just beginning. Is your? Secondly, and most importantly to me, if all I prayed was "your will be done"... I would have been a coward and it  would have  minimized Marks death. Let's quickly look at a story about Jesus. When he was in the garden and praying about being crucified, Christ didn't just say.."Your will be done." This attitude  would make us think that Jesus didn't care if he was being crucified and the cross would have lose some of it's meaning. There was a huge price to be paid, and huge emotion involved.  Jesus was in so much agony thinking  about what was going to happen that he cried blood. He cried out to His Father and asked for it to stop and, only after pleading with Him, he says...but your will be done. He was very specific in what he wanted and he asked for it all night long. This is the model for us when we are going through difficult times. When we just pray, "Your will be done", we are emotionally detached from the request because we feel that God will do what he wants anyway. When we are emotionally detached from the request, then the sacrifice has lost some of it's meaning to us. Marks death would have lost some of it's meaning and purpose for me had I not prayed specifically for his healing. Not a day goes by that I don't think of Mark. Would that have been the case had I prayed "Your will be done"? Yeah, I would always remember him but not with the same passion.

I can tell you from personal experience that I was extremely involved emotionally in Marks journey. When he died, it crushed me to the core. God answered my prayer and it hurt. It still hurts two years later and will hurt the rest of my life.  But, God also placed a spark in my life, a fire that burns deep inside. I want to know him more; I want my family to draw closer to God. I thank Mark for that. I thank God for that. I encourage you to get emotionally involved in peoples lives... it brings the black and white of an average life into full color. It makes the journey all the more special.